A look inside

Why do things sometimes seem to be so different than truth?!


I’m thinking a lot right now. About my life, especially about boys. I’m 20 years now and had 4 boyfriends and a crush on some others… I never was proud of that. I dreamed about having a family ever since I was little. Cause I never had this normal happy family I always wanted. One of my dreams was to show this world, that it was possible. There could be something like true love. Now I’m here thinking a lot about my past. Right now there are 3 boys left in my mind.


The first of them is my third boyfriend. I would even now call him the Love of my Life. He truly was that for me. He meant everything to me and only after one week being together with him I had known that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. My first relationship longer than 2 months. When I now look back, I still can feel these emotions of being in love with him. He was absolutely my hero! My everything! Now more than 2 years after he broke up with me, there are moments I just don’t know what to think. Of course I don’t think a lot about him, but there are moments where I miss my best friend. The one he truly was for me for 1.5 years. I miss having this special person who encourages you and loves you no matter what. I miss having someone to look up to. Maybe to some of you I look like a pretty self-confident women whose strong enough to do everything by her own and yes I learned from a young age to be that. I learned to be by myself and stand on my own feet because I had to, but that doesn’t mean I want that. I want to have a man who leads me, who encourages me and to whom I can look up. I want to be that helper to my man the bible talks about. I have the desire to show God’s love through loving my husband. And when I say all this things, that doesn’t mean I ‘just’ want to get married! No, that’s absolutely not the point of what I’m saying. Yeah, I do sometimes miss this person, I miss my best friend and it’s hard for me to understand how someone who was so close to me, can now be this person I don’t even know anymore. Still I’m thankful, and I want to thank God for where I am now. I know I wouldn’t be here and I wouldn’t be the person I am today, when I would be still together with him. Seeing him being together with a non-Christian girl makes me glad about it too. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to judge him, it is his decision. It makes me just so sad cause I thought so differently about him. For me it’s just not understandable how you can love Christ and follow him with all your heart and at the same time have such a close relationship with someone who doesn’t even know him. And I pray for them, I pray for him that he gets his wisdom from God and for her that she gets to know this absolutely amazing God who loves her.


So I come to the second boy in my mind, my last boyfriend. He was a really good man and in some ways I feel so guilty that I broke his heart. I never was really in that kinda love I had been with my boyfriend before. It wasn’t that I had a crush on him, but he had on me. So he started to fight for me even convincing me to say ‘Yes’. And after a few times trying to get out of it I was too weak to say ‘No’. I really liked him, cause he loved me and he absolutely did everything for me. I thought about Love more like a decision I just had to make. I knew he would love me and he wanted to marry me, it actually seemed to be perfect in some ways, but after a couple of months I realized it wasn’t perfect. I was the one trying to get him the way I wanted him to be. I was the one leading him with his life and I got so frustrated about that. I told him I wasn’t happy but still tried to be this perfect couple. It was really hard for me when I finally made my decision to break up with him, cause it was just not fair to him. I knew how he was feeling what made everything even worse for me. When I now look back, I still sometimes feel guilty and of course I miss having someone who loves you and cares about you. It’s weird knowing that I could’ve had everything, like being married but still I don’t have it. Either way I’m so glad about that too, it took me a long time to make this decision, but from the first day I knew it was the right one. I’m so thankful that God gave me his strength and wisdom at that time!


So coming to the last man in my thoughts, it’s a little bit different. He’s none of my boyfriends and probably never gonna be one. When I meet him, he was more the shy type of person, not that much out going as I am. He came to do worship here where I live and offered me to give me lessons on how to play guitar and piano. I remember one of the first times he has been here to help working he came inside the flat while I was in the office next to him. I didn’t really wanted to talk to him, but still I felt like I had to cause no one else was there.  So to be polite I did talk to him and I will never forget how deep this conversation went. I talked to him about my whole beliefs and God. When he first came to give me lessons on the guitar I felt so awkward and I was so scared that he might have a crush on me. I even prayed to God, that he wouldn’t. As the time went on we were writing and talking more and more. He actually became a good friend to me and because there were not that much others he was pretty soon one of my closest friends at that time. He was always there for me, he encouraged me and prayed for me whenever I needed it. I got more and more fascinated about his faith, cause I’ve never seen many guys with such a love and desire for God. I knew I was in trouble getting feelings for him and I prayed to stop it, but whenever I saw him it got worse. This was such a hard time for me… finally I decided to talk to him and we broke our friendship, cause for him it didn’t mean anything like for me. Now I miss again this person, who was always there for me, who encouraged me and even helped me to focus on God. The thing is, when I think about leaving pretty soon and knowing that than I’m not going to see him as often as I do now, I miss him. It’s so hard to understand that you were so wrong about this person, I really thought he was the one who liked me and he would miss me, but he doesn’t. The good thing is, I realized that it’s not up to me, to change anything. I don’t need to convince the person who God has for me, this person will know how much I’m worth and this person will have this special calling from God to love me.


I learned a lot in these situations. I’m not perfect and I made a lot of mistakes, but if you fall down there’s a God who will always help you to stand up again. Jesus truly is the one I love. He is the one who ALWAYS encourages me, ALWAYS helps me, ALWAYS listens to me and ALWAYS loves me. Thank you so much for that Jesus <3


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